Not Dead Yet

Don't worry your pretty little heads off y'all, I ain't dead yet.
It's the typical shpeel(?) I got busy, yadda, yadda, yadda, calm yourself, I know all 2 of you were so worried.
Posting will resume sometime after August 6th, when I get my car (whoop, whoop!) Right now, I need to go to my granny's house, if you need some good (and better written) material please head on over to my favorite blogs:
The Bitchy Waiter
Fuck My Table
Meet Me in Medias Res

Go Ahead, Seat Yourself

What is with people who can't comprehend what a host does. From my last post about taking orders you would think people would have gotten the picture (because everybody in the world reads this blog.) I am standing up front to do one job, and one job only, take you and your lovely party to their seat (that is not my only job at all, I will have to explain that in a later post.)
I don't understand how people can walk into a restaurant, not have the ability to read the sign that says "Please Wait to Be Seated," not realize what the attractive guy standing behind the sign is there for, and sit wherever the fuck they want.

Just so you understand how annoying it is I'll tell you. At restaurants we have this thing called a rotation, this ensures each server has enough tables, but they don't get an overwhelming amount. I work very hard to make sure the rotation is right, when you go sit wherever you want you totally break the rotation and that server hates me when I tell them they just got double sat. Most of the time at my place (since we aren't corporate, and we don't have retarded managers) we just let you sit there without a menu and without a server, it's fun to watch you look like a dumbass and then say "do I even have a waitress."
I then say, "Oh I'm so sorry sir, I just thought that since you didn't wait to be seated you were going to the bar or joining a party"
I also have people who will watch me seat somebody and then go seat themselves, like what the fuck?
These people then say something like "Oh we just sat wherever, HAHA" No, stupid bitch, you just sat yourself into hell.

I Can't Take Your Order

At this point in time, I would like to let everybody in the world know that the host is not the person who takes your order. I don't know why people think that I stand up at the front but I also have tables that I'm taking care of. It's just dumb.
This is normally what happens:
*Door Opens*
ME: Hello, how are you do-
YOU: Three *Holds fingers up*
(where have we seen this before?)
ME: (demeanor immediately becomes slightly less pleasant) Alright it will be right this way *Brings you to table* Alright so will-
YOU: Can we get a booth
ME: Sir, there are currently no booths available if you'd like I ca-
YOU: I guess this will be fine, I'll have a Bud Light...


So yeah, I now have to get everybody's drink order at the table then I have to stop the server before they get to your table so you don't look at them like they're a complete idiot. I then have to get your drinks while I probably have people waiting at the front. I have to tell the server what you got so they can ring it in and I bring out your non-alcoholic drinks. You then look at me like I'm a dumbass and forgot your booze before I have a chance to tell you it's coming from the bar and YOUR SERVER will bring it out to you (even if it was ready, I can't legally bring it out to you because I'm underage)
A lot of the time, the server is the only person who can ring in your stuff because a host doesn't have a screen to order stuff or transfer tabs. Please don't order something from the person who seats you unless they prompt you.
What also goes along with that is, I don't take your payment. I don't know why a lot of people thrust their cards at me while I'm walking people to a table or why they come up to the host stand two seconds after they put their card in their book and ask if they pay me.
Do you see a fucking register up here? No. Do you see a credit card swipe up here? No. Again, a host doesn't have some magic power to tap into a server's open tables and make a payment, most of the time, only a manager can do that, sometimes the bartender. 
Morale of the story, order from your server, pay your server, follow the host, and be a better customer.

Choose Your Channel at Home

I don't know what it is about people. They are just so demanding sometimes. Why do so many people go into a restaurant and demand that somebody change the channel so they can watch a certain show/sporting event.
You wouldn't go over to your friends house and demand that they change the channel for you, would you? So why would you do it to somebody that you don't even know?
Changing the TV in a restaurant is not easy, most of the time, somebody has to go all the way to the back  and find a remote. They then have look up what channel a certain game is on and then they have to find the paper with the list of channels on it and then they have to change the channel. Even changing the channel can be difficult, when there are multiple TV's in a restaurant (mine has 11) there's going to be a huge stack of receivers which may or may not be properly labeled. I have to find the right receiver for the TV, then cover up all of the other receivers and then I can start pushing the buttons, but I don't know if it I pressed the buttons all the way because I don't have a screen to show me what I'm doing, I just kind of hope for the best.
Here's a few tips when asking for a channel to be changed:

• Don't ask somebody to change the channel to "the game." This is very annoying because there are about a hundred different ESPN's, Fox Sports Nets, and whatever else and there is a game on, I can't read minds and say which one you want. Tell me that you would like to see the Raiders game (that way I know you're a complete idiot) 
• Don't demand it to be done, it can take 5-10 minutes to change a channel and that sometimes just can't be done during rush periods, also, some restaurants have the receivers locked away in a closet in the manager's office and they won't be able to get in
• Don't ask for it to be changed to cartoons for your kid, the History Channel for a documentary on the Apocalypse or, E! so you can keep up with the freaking Kardashians because this is not your living room, we have a certain clientele that we cater to, and that clientele wants to watch Sports.

Booths are for 4 People

There are six words that every host hears on a daily basis "Do You have any booths available."

These words suck to hear. They tell me a lot about you.
It let's me know that you're going to want lemon in your water (which implies a lot of other stuff about you)
And that you want things your way and you will probably try to kill me if they don't go your way.
And finally, that you're a rude person, I know that because the conversation will normally go like this:

*Opens Door*
ME: Hello, how are you all doin-
DOUCHE (you): Four, for a booth douchefully holding up the number four on your hand
ME: in my head fucking, rude ass mother fuckin...

Unfortunately for you, every other person in the metropolitan area decided that they would, also, like a booth. But I can assure you that the food will taste the same no matter where you sit.
I understand that booths are all cushy and comfortable and stuff, but that's also what your couch is for, if you like to eat on a couch you can go home.

The number of people who try to fit more than 4 people in a booth never ceases to amaze me. I just don't understand people who walk in and are like "7, for a booth" never mind that you walked in with a party of 6 or more without a reservation but you are also demanding a four person booth? I know some restaurants do have those big round booths but if you take two seconds to look around you will notice that we don't have those. So your big party ass is going to have to sit at a table because you have too many fucking people.

One more thing before I bid farewell, what is with the person who insists on sitting in the inside but then has to get up every 5 minutes, seriously, why do you have friends? I am friends with a person who does this and I want to cry every time we go out to eat. *End Side Rant*

To Go Troubles

I'm back y'all!! I left my boring cow town to go to LA for a little while but now I'm back. I was excited to see my 2 pageviews while I was away. That's amazing! (Yeah, I'm pretty pathetic.) Today I would like to discuss a To Go's a little bit.

I would like to preface this discussion by saying that I absolutely HATE ToGo's. I work at a smallish restaurant and we have a couple of ToGo orders a night and they are taken by either the bartender or the host. As soon as I get done saying, "Hello, [insert restaurant name here][insert street name here] this is 'From The Sidestand,' How may I help you?" And I hear that it's a To Go I melt a little bit inside.
A lot of people don't realize that their phones suck because they're calling from a basement or something because I can never understand them. And then of course NOBODY establishes what they want to get before they call in so I'm forced to listen to stupid conversations where I'm not sure who you're talking to. And I'm just writing this stuff down and I will later go ring it up, but a lot of the time I have to put the phone down and go back because you wanted to know the price, while I understand why you would want to know, it's pretty annoying for me.
Let's not forget that I'm doing all of this while I have people angrily waiting in line while I'm chatting on the phone with you.
When your food is up I neatly place it in the box and put in the extra ranch you requested, I also give you some plastic utensils, salt and pepper. I mark the boxes so you know which well done burger is which.
When you arrive 10 minutes after I said you should, I'm normally in the middle of doing something but I make time for you because I'm just that prompt. I hand you the receipt and you hand me a credit card. (Good thing I ran back to see how much it was if you're just going to give me a card.) I then give you the receipt to sign and when you put that dash through the tip line I instantly start to cry.
Your annoying ass was in the back of my mind for a good half hour and you didn't tip me. I even wrote "enjoy :-)" on your fucking boxes because I'm so fucking awesome.
Even if you don't think I did enough to warrant a tip, I still NEED one.
You see, your To Go becomes a part of my sales and the United States Government automatically assumes that anyone in a restaurant who has sales must be getting a tip. They assume that I'm getting 10% and tax me as if I got a 10% tip whether you gave it to me or not.
That means if you had a $50 order and didn't tip, the government thinks I made 5 more dollars than I actually did, that shit adds up too. It's basically like saying, if you are claiming you made 1,000 more dollars then you'd have to pay higher taxes, higher taxes equals less money in my pocket.
Bottom line-Tip AT LEAST 10% on ToGo's