Go Ahead, Seat Yourself

What is with people who can't comprehend what a host does. From my last post about taking orders you would think people would have gotten the picture (because everybody in the world reads this blog.) I am standing up front to do one job, and one job only, take you and your lovely party to their seat (that is not my only job at all, I will have to explain that in a later post.)
I don't understand how people can walk into a restaurant, not have the ability to read the sign that says "Please Wait to Be Seated," not realize what the attractive guy standing behind the sign is there for, and sit wherever the fuck they want.

Just so you understand how annoying it is I'll tell you. At restaurants we have this thing called a rotation, this ensures each server has enough tables, but they don't get an overwhelming amount. I work very hard to make sure the rotation is right, when you go sit wherever you want you totally break the rotation and that server hates me when I tell them they just got double sat. Most of the time at my place (since we aren't corporate, and we don't have retarded managers) we just let you sit there without a menu and without a server, it's fun to watch you look like a dumbass and then say "do I even have a waitress."
I then say, "Oh I'm so sorry sir, I just thought that since you didn't wait to be seated you were going to the bar or joining a party"
I also have people who will watch me seat somebody and then go seat themselves, like what the fuck?
These people then say something like "Oh we just sat wherever, HAHA" No, stupid bitch, you just sat yourself into hell.

Choose Your Channel at Home

I don't know what it is about people. They are just so demanding sometimes. Why do so many people go into a restaurant and demand that somebody change the channel so they can watch a certain show/sporting event.
You wouldn't go over to your friends house and demand that they change the channel for you, would you? So why would you do it to somebody that you don't even know?
Changing the TV in a restaurant is not easy, most of the time, somebody has to go all the way to the back  and find a remote. They then have look up what channel a certain game is on and then they have to find the paper with the list of channels on it and then they have to change the channel. Even changing the channel can be difficult, when there are multiple TV's in a restaurant (mine has 11) there's going to be a huge stack of receivers which may or may not be properly labeled. I have to find the right receiver for the TV, then cover up all of the other receivers and then I can start pushing the buttons, but I don't know if it I pressed the buttons all the way because I don't have a screen to show me what I'm doing, I just kind of hope for the best.
Here's a few tips when asking for a channel to be changed:

• Don't ask somebody to change the channel to "the game." This is very annoying because there are about a hundred different ESPN's, Fox Sports Nets, and whatever else and there is a game on, I can't read minds and say which one you want. Tell me that you would like to see the Raiders game (that way I know you're a complete idiot) 
• Don't demand it to be done, it can take 5-10 minutes to change a channel and that sometimes just can't be done during rush periods, also, some restaurants have the receivers locked away in a closet in the manager's office and they won't be able to get in
• Don't ask for it to be changed to cartoons for your kid, the History Channel for a documentary on the Apocalypse or, E! so you can keep up with the freaking Kardashians because this is not your living room, we have a certain clientele that we cater to, and that clientele wants to watch Sports.

Booths are for 4 People

There are six words that every host hears on a daily basis "Do You have any booths available."

These words suck to hear. They tell me a lot about you.
It let's me know that you're going to want lemon in your water (which implies a lot of other stuff about you)
And that you want things your way and you will probably try to kill me if they don't go your way.
And finally, that you're a rude person, I know that because the conversation will normally go like this:

*Opens Door*
ME: Hello, how are you all doin-
DOUCHE (you): Four, for a booth douchefully holding up the number four on your hand
ME: in my head fucking, rude ass mother fuckin...

Unfortunately for you, every other person in the metropolitan area decided that they would, also, like a booth. But I can assure you that the food will taste the same no matter where you sit.
I understand that booths are all cushy and comfortable and stuff, but that's also what your couch is for, if you like to eat on a couch you can go home.

The number of people who try to fit more than 4 people in a booth never ceases to amaze me. I just don't understand people who walk in and are like "7, for a booth" never mind that you walked in with a party of 6 or more without a reservation but you are also demanding a four person booth? I know some restaurants do have those big round booths but if you take two seconds to look around you will notice that we don't have those. So your big party ass is going to have to sit at a table because you have too many fucking people.

One more thing before I bid farewell, what is with the person who insists on sitting in the inside but then has to get up every 5 minutes, seriously, why do you have friends? I am friends with a person who does this and I want to cry every time we go out to eat. *End Side Rant*

The Breakfast Bitch at Table 208

I would like to take this post and dedicate it to the stupid ass, floral dress wearin', bitch that was at Table 208 during breakfast last Sunday (I have been recovering from a 49 hour week and haven't been awake long enough to post.)
First off hun, you need to learn how to read-that will be the common theme throughout this post.
When you walked in at 9:00 for a continental hotel breakfast you should expect things to be busy. You shouldn't expect someone to seat your ass. I looked at you stand at the front stand for a good 5 minutes before I was forced to walk past you and you asked me where the host was. I pointed out the sign that said please enjoy the buffet and sit wherever you'd like. You then sat at the one table that was dirty when there were three empty clean tables. You then made me stop what I was doing and spray off your table because you had already "picked that one out."
You then asked me if we made omelets. I kindly replied that we only do them Monday-Friday because we aren't a fucking Embassy Suites and we don't have enough people to make omelets on the weekends. You then kept complaining to me about it so then I got my manager out who argued with you again until he finally gave in. I then had to go beg the cook, who barely speaks English, to kindly make you your stupid omelet. Oh yeah, and your request for dark cheddar cheese and shredded swiss was absolutely ridiculous. You also requested broccoli which we don't have out for breakfast. If you had read the omelet ingredient choices menu (which also stated that they were only available Monday-Friday) you would know what you could get on it.
When I brought your omelet out and you replied "about time," I really wanted to punch you. When you told me that the table needed to be wiped down *again* I went back and started making plans about how I would kill you.
When I finished wiping off your table and you demanded hot water, I went back and got it for you even though you were already pissing me off. 
After I brought back the water and you told me, "I'm gonna need some butter" I had, had enough of you. I pointed you to the mini fridge which has a sign that says "The fridge contains: Milk, cream cheese, yogurt and butter, please help yourself." I knew you weren't going to tip me because that would be too nice and you would probably burn if you did something nice for someone. 
I was flabbergasted when you demanded to speak to the OWNER of the hotel because I was so rude to you and you wanted to get me fired. I woke him up from his room and brought him over so he could talk to you, unfortunately, the owner has already heard complaints about you from the front desk and he knows that I'm an excellent worker, it was probably a plus for me when a regular guest told the owner, "that is one crazy bitch, please don't pay any attention to her comment."
You made me want to go in the corner and cry, I hated you that much. Our FREE breakfast is the best one in town because it actually has hot food, I don't need you complaining when I also had a million other things to do. 
I would like to thank you however, because the owner said that I could go home and I would be getting paid  5 extra hours on top of what my shift was supposed to be, that's right bitch, I just got paid 40 bucks to deal with your ass, unfortunately that $40 really wasn't worth it and I would never do it again. 
I feel sorry because I can tell you're the type of person who likes to complain about everything that anybody tries to do for you.